After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
