Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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