if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
