Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
