I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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