I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
