whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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