i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
