I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
