Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
