my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I am midnight drunk by noon
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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