I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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