So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
