I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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