you traded sex for a burrito?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
