he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I look better un-naked...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
