tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
