someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
