I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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