I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
