In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
