I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
