Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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