it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Acid is not a monday night drug
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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