Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
