now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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