don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
