i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
