woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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