Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
