turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
