I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
