We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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