i think my tv is drunk
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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