remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
