I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
