walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
