I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
