Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
