i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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