Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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