You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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