I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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