my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
