we have pet lesbian snakes
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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