I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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