I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
