i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
