I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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