I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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