I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
